Lynx That Don't Exactly Roar But Certainly Get The Job Done

As you can see to your right, I spent the weekend doing the mother of all quiz-link loads. Every link is useful or interesting in some way for a quizzer, from the absolutely bloody essential (yep, Wikipedia) to something that works as a three-minute fancy (let's not name names). I'll be doing links to all the other things I like as well in good time (such as any number of general interest blogs, e.g. Tim Footman's Cultural Snow and such chums as Ben's Silent Words Speak Loudest). But for the moment they are all for quizzes and nothing but the quizzes. Amen.

I won’t stop there, however. Not by a long-shot.

Trawling the Amazing, Infuriating, Banal. Gigantic Truly Balkanised Wide World of Quiz that is found in the darkest depths of cyberspace has made me realise a few things (apart from finding out there are a lot more quiz sites out there than I had previously imagined).

I hate belligerent, boastful catchlines
"The Most Complete Trivia Game Site!", "The Internet's Greatest Trivia Site!" and so on. Some of the claims I’ve seen are imbecilic and utterly outrageous. Yes, you do have a lot of questions and loads of users, but how are you measuring such factors? Have you won awards which confirm this and accolades from renowned figures in the world of trivia? Do you even acknowledge the existence of hundreds of similar sites that peddle the same mindless claptrap? I think not. It's just hyperbolic advertising that only succeeds in disappointing us, when we find the quiz questions are shoddily written, facile and not worth our precious time. And it’s quality not quantity that matters (I feel so anodyne for saying so, but the size matters argument tends to bully the quality argument into complete silence).

I hate the word "Trivia"
Sure it's Latin-derived, but the word makes me feel like it shouldn’t be seriously and is therefore only good for wasting time spent in the office (if I still worked in an office that is) or killing time. The word "quiz" is so much better. Trivia is close to the word trivial and therefore cursed with a casualness I despise. Always strive for nobility. People will think of you much the better for it.

What if it was like the world of online poker?
Looking at sites like TriviaWorld.com, it is tantalising to think how much money certain quiz-gifted individuals could make from our exploits if the same lucrative prizes were on offer for the best competitors. It is the stuff that lovely and impossible dreams are made of.

Many trivia sites could do better
Yes, they have thousands of facts and lists and sources quizzers can use, but you all look the same. Try writing different questions, the lot of you. Nugget out the obscure and turn them into the standard quiz questions. It’s about changing the way that quiz questions have been written. Questions on number ones and football grounds are so hackneyed (I will say that despite my noted lack of mastery of them), that we should look farther afield. Look at all that wonderful potential material on Wikpedia, for instance. I know people poo-poo it as a source, but it is huge and its pros far outweigh the cons. I set so much of my questions from it because, I realise that there is so much material that has not been utilised and transformed into questions. I love the lists it makes of inventions, chemists, assassinations and every other subject under the sun, because they suggest so much. (But I have to admit that I am getting a little too wikidependent. I could be called a Wikipedophile … if I didn’t think that is one daring coinage that should be applied in very rare cases).

Some people have NO IDEA
I loved a review I found the price comparison site Ciao of Eggheads, for he knew not the true power of the dark side/quizzing. Well, loved in a peculiar way. There is the idea of the internet somehow democratising criticism so everyone can have a go, but sometimes you have to think you have to have some foundation of knowledge to make your opinion worthwhile. That's what I thought when I read: "Personally, I think this guy [Kevin Ashman] is the strongest link on the team". Granted Kevin is not a household name, but on the show he does say just why he is qualified to be one. It’s like saying this footballer called Ronaldinho looked a bit tasty, he could be quite good from my initial viewing. Such an amazing insight is worthy of Clive James in his Crystal Bucket heyday at The Observer. No figure out just how much sarcasm I loaded into that last sentence. And: "The Eggheads really are aptly named, producing useless facts from nowhere that they've somehow etched into their brains". Somehow? Aptly? Useless? There are three clichéd views about quiz contained in that sentence alone. For a start, they have read many, many books and competed in loads of quizzes, winning them in many instances, it didn't just magically appear in their brains at birth. They were not picked randomly off the street by the TV show makers who actually did their research, and "useless"? They are being paid by the BBC to use the said "facts" to beat allcomers. They have found a use for them and are doing it on national television. For money. People fear and respect them, in a way. And all facts are worth knowing, you lazy get. Tsk and tsk again. And if you want to present your views in a public forum, then they are asking to be torn apart."Please tear me apart cos I am so rubbish", they mewl at me. So I oblige.

We don’t really do themed quizzes in this country
Not like India. They’ve got business, media, movies and more. Perhaps there is this fear that the avowed nature of the UK quizzer, i.e. that of a generalist, scares people away from doing loads of specialist quizzes, except for such obsessive-inspiring subjects like pop and sport. Many of us prone to say what is a CEO? A Crazy Evil Odour, perhaps? I have a feeling it would be good for us, and should be integrated into our existing organisational fabric somehow, like a mini-event during the day slipped in amongst the team and indie events.

Who are all these quiz-supply companies?
Who are these guys? Where did they come from? Who do they serve? How do they get the business and especially all those juicy corporate commissions? For they will turn your dull company get-together into a bacchanalia crossed with Family Fortunes. I am so ignorant of this area that I am intrigued to find out more. If only because I am tempted to jump in and undercut them (nah, I’m only joking, as a one-man band, I couldn’t possibly compete with such professionals).

There are kindred spirits
The rather great Londonist blog has a very occasional feature called Pub Quiz Patrol. I quote: “… with questions about Kings & Queens and the British Isles spotted throughout, this felt more like a school test than a pub quiz … pop culture questions were few and far between”. Of course, I don’t mind the Kings and Queens side, but the latter is always true, especially for hip, young bloggers who read style magazines. More pop culture will make the quiz world a better place, and more importantly, the likes of me very content.

There are pub quizzes everywhere
Weekly ones in “an English Pub” in Beijing. In Madrid too. Thriving pub quizzes in Canada, based mainly in Irish-theme drinking holes. And in New Zealand they talk of a ”grand old tradition” and write about them in amusing ways and talk of the quiz master in filthy but doubtlessly veritable ways, the “guy must be a smug prick. He gets to act like he knew the answers all along”. The pain of defeat is replicated all over the pub quiz universe too – “We’re dicked anyway”. Such sweet words. By the way the phrase “pub quiz” (with quotation marks) yields 734,000 hits on Google.

The use of the phrase “Pub Quiz” should be proscribed
A pub quiz by definition should take place in a public house. It should be banned in every other instance, these include a) a charity quiz night held in a church hall, restaurant or other community building which does not have permanent facilities for beer-dispensation and a fat landlord called Mike b) on a newspaper website c) on a rubbish CD-ROM or DVD d) using them as devices “for teaching English” (a step too far) e) or let me reiterate, ANY OTHER PLACE that has nothing to do with the pub, that glorious British symbol of our social devotion to the pint.

Some people should look up the word “virtual”
A “Virtual” quiz implies interactivity and zooming graphics that dazzle the user with their slick shapes and Ferrari-impersonating fonts. Quizzes that may as well have been photocopied and glued to the monitor screen are not virtual. They are text-based, stolid and sit on the page, refusing to shift for wont of some zippy new computer design programs.

There are many charity quiz nights, many more than you could possibly imagine
They must be invaded by quizzers such as you and I, where we shall reap lucrative prizes, such as a pleasant Mediterranean cruise or a selection of fine champagnes. And what about the money these charities want to give winners of such nights? It should be earmarked for the ones who deserve it most. Yes, a group of individuals called “Us”. We should put our adverts proffering “ringer” services in magazines that will give us the best exposure. Fans of “winning stuff” will apply in hundreds, such is their deep felt desire to crush all opposition and watch them slink away humiliated by the apparent lack of mental muscle.

People even do Pub Quiz cartoons
See Cartoon Stock. They speak for themselves.

How could I have missed this?
Together at last: Daphne Fowler and Brian Sewell on the same panel for the Radio 4 show X Marks the Spot? Just imagine.

This is what my weekend taught me. I hope you have been learned good and proper like.