The Children are Our Future, Future, Future, Children, Future, Children, Future

Warning: this entry might turn a bit Rowley Birkin QC

It was charidee quiz night at the Auberge restaurant in aid of Kids Company: five rounds of questions in a room that turned out to be extremely small and very busy. The kind of venue where you can see vapour rising and where you can't even hear your own voice in the tumult.

There was free booze. It ran out rapidly. I blame the jugs. When word gets round the jugs always come out.

I spent much of the evening looking moody, smoking Marlboro Menthols, surveying the straining frustrated looks on people's faces. I was waiting for the papers to mark them and to man the CD player during the music intro round. That went okay. The marking not so. The marking was done in an abject rush. It was also done in a very sozzled state. Ha ha what a coincidence that my two friends' teams came fifth and second out of 30-odd teams. Perhaps, I just know clever folk or maybe I talk to them a bit too much about quiz questions.

So the marking: basically, the winning team won with 64. Only it was out of 67 (I think) and they got at least more than four wrong on the music round This made no sense, so I re-marked it. They actually got 56 1/2. Trust the eejit who marked one of the 20% of papers I did not to decide the outcome because I couldn't get to it in time. How fate works its mysterious and silly ways. Laugh with me in frustration now.

I went back and redid the others if they felt a bit squiffy, which was why second-placed Stainer, Brewis and Honey got 73(!) in the first marking. Only that was unpossible, so I audited it again. Funny though. If I had left it at that, nobody would have cared. Both Katie AND Jesse said: "I don't like champagne, anyway". Gracious quizzers cheated out of their rightful prizes can say that, as long as it doesn't concern cash or holidays to foreign countries. Champagne first prizes tend to hack off losers least, it seems.

Yet even now I'm looking at their paper (er, I took it home). If they had played their joker on Nostalgia and Kids's Stuff they would have scored 24 and not just the 20 on General Knowledge, making them certain winners. Joker tactics are always an absolute minefield.

But alas, that is the way of the charity quiz, always ending in noisy drunken chaos and the victors waving crates of champers about with smug grins on their faces. Who should never have won. I was OUTRAGED. Which is quite funny when you realise I was marking the quiz and helped organise it. Spitting feathers and moaning and whining like a sorry so-and-so. The sulk went on for a good twenty minutes, but once the results were read out that was it, they were set in stone.

Anyway, I've got the bitching out of the way so look at the good side. It was a very good side. We raised £2800 and there was 180 people not the expected 150. This outshines every little niggle by far. I guess it was helped by all those "clues" people received for a pound, something that, at first glance, hardly affected the scores anyway, which was nice to know.

CJ was also a sterling host who livened up both the proceedings and questions and even had his name chanted football-like at the end by a section of Eggheads fans. So thanks to him and all the organisers, who I must say, were frightened then highly stressed and finally quite rat-arsed.

And sadly, sensitive goalkeeper David James didn't turn up. Considering the raucous atmosphere and slim chance of heckler identification maybe that was a good thing. He might have cried, like a big useless baby and moaned about the lack of preparation for such an event.

The quiz(zes)
One lady walked by me and said: "It's too difficult" with the voice of a wounded lamb. All I can say is that: she should have seen the first draft.

Thus the first and final drafts are here for you (well, I have to give you a quiz some time). Witness the miracle of the journey from the first draft to final product. Amazing.

The first lot I bashed out in about two hours.

Entertainment
1 On Coronation Street, in whose arms did Mike Baldwin recently die? KEN BARLOW
2 The company Lacuna Inc. plays an crucial role in which 2004 Michel Gondry film? ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND
3 Which DJ composed the theme tune to the TV series Big Brother? PAUL OAKENFOLD
4 Which British actor has played the roles Eddie Valiant, Harold Shand and Ray "Raysie" Johnson? BOB HOSKINS
5 Who are Vince Noir and Howard Moon? THE MIGHTY BOOSH
6 For one point each, give the surnames of the characters played by Al Pacino in 1983's Scarface and 1993's Carlito's Way? MONTANA and BRIGANTE
7 Not including the ones used in the phone-in prize competition, how many boxes are used in each episode of the Channel 4 game show Deal or No Deal? 22
8 In which 1988 tearjerker does Barbara Hershey's character Hillary Whitney Essex die of a disorder called viral cardiomyopathy? BEACHES
9 In which city was the actress Sienna Miller born? NEW YORK CITY
10 In the TV series Lost, Oceanic Airlines Flight 815 departed from which city before crashing onto the mysterious, uncharted island where it is set? SYDNEY

Literature
1 The Take is the latest novel from which British thriller writer? MARTINA COLE
2 For one point each, give the first names of Harry Potter's parents. JAMES and LILY
3 In the name of a nursery rhyme, which two creatures "were fighting for the crown"? THE LION AND THE UNICORN
4 The daughter of which Irish Prime Minister has been responsible for such books as PS, I Love You and Where Rainbows End? BERTIE AHERN
5 Which fictional detective finally met his end in the novel Curtain, a book that was written in the early 30s but was not published until 1975? HERCULE POIROT
6 Which late American novelist and Nobel Prize winner published his last full length novel in Ravelstein in 2000? SAUL BELLOW
7 What was the name of the 1965 film that Orson Welles adapted from Shakespeare's Henry IV plays and in which he played the lead role of Falstaff? CHIMES AT MIDNIGHT
8 Which famously reclusive novelist has made two appearances on The Simpsons, the first of which saw him wearing a paper bag with a question mark on it? THOMAS PYNCHON
9 Clare Abshire is the title character of which recent bestselling novel? THE TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE
10 Which woman author has just become the first writer ever to be shortlisted for The Booker, The Orange Prize and The Whitbread book awards in a single year? ALI SMITH

Nostalgia and Kids' Stuff
1 Who currently lives in an apartment with a 22-year-old wannabe entertainer called Stephen and Stephen's nephew Dave and niece Molly? BASIL BRUSH
2 Which cartoon character with vertical, wavy hair was created in 1985 when Susan Rose sketched him on a napkin? FIDO DIDO
3 What was the first name of the Hungarian engineer who invented the Rubik's Cube? ERNO
4 According to legend, which symbol gained huge popularity after DJ Danny Rampling returned from Ibiza in the late 80s and used it on a flyer for the dance music club Shoom? SMILEY
5 In which village do Ted Glen, Reverend Timms and Dr Sylvia Gilbertson all live? GREENDALE (in Postman Pat)
6 Who loved the Remington Shaver so much that he bought the company? VICTOR KIAM
7 For one point each, give the names of Thomas the Tank Engine's feminine-sounding coaches that first appeared in 1946. ANNIE and CLARABEL
8 In a famous 80s Levi's ad, which male model famously stripped down to his underpants to the sound of Marvin Gaye's I Heard It Through The Grapevine? NICK KAMEN
9 The Syrian is the best known of the 18 species of which common household pet rodent, others including the Chinese and Roborovski? HAMSTER
10 Produced between 1983 and 1989, what toys each came with a unique birth certificate signed by their creator Xavier Roberts? CABBAGE PATCH KIDS or DOLLS

General Knowledge
1 For one point each, give the first names of the sons that Jade Goody has had with Jeff Brazier. BOBBY and FREDDIE (accept BOBBY JACK if they're being smart alecs)
2 The store John Lobb at number 9 St James Street is famous for making what? SHOES
3 Active from 1949 to 1952, the avant-garde art movement COBRA took its name from the initials of which three European capital cities? COPENHAGEN, BRUSSELS, AMSTERDAM
4 Aubagne, near Marseilles, is famous for being the location of which organisation's headquarters? FRENCH FOREIGN LEGION
5 The internet grocery retailer Ocado is most associated with which supermarket chain? WAITROSE
6 Which country is divided into fourteen parishes including Clarendon, Hanover, Manchester and Saint Andrew? JAMAICA
7 Which King of England died at the Convent of St Gervais near Rouen in France from abdominal injuries received from his saddle pommel when he fell off his horse at the Siege of Mantes? WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR
8 ALA, DHA and EPA are important acids in human nutrition that are generally given what name? OMEGA-3 FATTY ACIDS (accept what OMEGA-3)
9 Which fashion company make handbags by the names of Scarlett, Sienna, Marcelle and Claudia? KOOBA
10 Who was recently revealed to have had a two-year affair with Tracey Temple? JOHN PRESCOTT

Sport
1 Len Martin, until he died 1995, and Tim Gudgin are the only two men to have performed what role on TV? READ OUT CLASSIFIED FOOTBALL RESULTS
2 In which small town is the Royal Liverpool Golf Club, the place that will host this year's British Open golf championship? HOYLAKE
3 Which Australian batsman has just become the fastest player to reach 1000 Test runs, doing so in 166 days and beating Andrew Strauss's old record by 62 days? MICHAEL HUSSEY
4 Which rugby union team won the first John Player Special Cup, now known as the Powergen Cup, in 1972? GLOUCESTER
5 In which round-the-world event did Ellen MacArthur finish second in in 2000, also becoming the youngest ever competitor to finish the race? VENDEE GLOBE
6 Richard Leman, Ric Charlesworth and Dhyan Chand are famous names in which sport? HOCKEY
7 In exact metres and centimetres how high is a netball ring and net suspended above the ground on a post? 3m and 5 cm (or 10ft)
8 For one point each, in horse racing what name is given to the father and mother of a foal? SIRE and DAM
9 Gary Lineker finished his international football career on how many goals? 48
10 In what events did Kelly Holmes win her two gold medals at the 2004 Olympic games? 800M and 1500M

Extras
1 In the nursery rhyme Sing a Song of Sixpence, how many blackbirds were baked in a pie? "FOUR AND TWENTY" (24)
2 The Miami cardiologist Arthur Agatston is best known for which diet that he detailed in a 2003 book with the subtitle "The Delicious, Doctor-Designed Foolproof Plan for Fast and Healthy Weight Loss"? SOUTH BEACH DIET

And this one is after I was told to tone it down. Three times.

Entertainment

1 On Coronation Street, in whose arms did Mike Baldwin recently die? KEN BARLOW

2 The company Lacuna Inc. plays an crucial role in which 2004 Michel Gondry film? ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND

3 Which DJ composed the theme tune to the TV series Big Brother? PAUL OAKENFOLD

4 Which British knight, famous for his Shakespearean roles, won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for playing the butler Hobson in the film Arthur? JOHN GIELGUD

5 Vince Noir and Howard Moon make up which comedy act that can be seen on BBC TV? THE MIGHTY BOOSH

6 For one point each, give the surnames of the characters played by Al Pacino in 1983's Scarface and 1993's Carlito's Way? MONTANA and BRIGANTE

7 Not including the ones used in the phone-in prize competition, how many boxes are used in each episode of the Channel 4 game show Deal or No Deal? 22

8 In which 1988 tearjerker does Barbara Hershey's character Hillary Whitney Essex die of a disorder called viral cardiomyopathy? BEACHES

9 In which city was the actress Sienna Miller born? NEW YORK CITY

10 In the TV series Lost, Oceanic Airlines Flight 815 departed from which city before crashing on the mysterious, uncharted island where the show is set? SYDNEY

Nostalgia and Kids' Stuff

1 As seen on a BBC show, which glove-puppet currently lives in an apartment with a 22-year-old wannabe entertainer called Stephen and Stephen's nephew Dave and niece Molly? BASIL BRUSH

2 Which Disney cartoon character was born in 1867 in Glasgow to parents Fergus and Downy? SCROOGE MCDUCK

3 What was the first name of the Hungarian engineer who invented the Rubik's Cube? ERNO

4 What was the name of the dog in Enid Blyton's Famous Five books? TIMOTHY or TIMMY

5 In which fictional village do Ted Glen, Reverend Timms and Dr Sylvia Gilbertson all live? GREENDALE (in Postman Pat)

6 For one point each, give the first names of Harry Potter's parents. JAMES and LILY

7 For one point each, give the names of Thomas the Tank Engine's feminine-sounding coaches that first appeared in 1946. ANNIE and CLARABEL

8 In a famous 80s Levi's ad, model Nick Kamen stripped down to his underpants to the sound of what Marvin Gaye song? I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

9 The Syrian is the best known of the 18 species of which common pet rodent, others including the Chinese and Roborovski? HAMSTER

10 Produced between 1983 and 1989, what dolls each came with a unique birth certificate signed by their creator Xavier Roberts? CABBAGE PATCH KIDS

General Knowledge

1 For one point each, give the first names of the sons that Jade Goody has had with Jeff Brazier. BOBBY and FREDDIE (accept BOBBY JACK if they're being smart alecs)

2 What Brazilian cocktail has a name roughly translated as "little country girl" and is traditionally made with the distilled sugar cane spirit Cachaça [Ka-SHA-sa], limes, sugar and ice? CAIPIRINHA

3 Which John Constable painting of 1821 features Willy Lott's cottage and was originally titled Landscape: Noon? THE HAYWAIN

4 Which famous organisation moved its headquarters from Sidi-Bel-Abbas in Algeria to Aubagne, near Marseilles, in 1962? FRENCH FOREIGN LEGION

5 Which British cookery writer and TV presenter has written the books How to Eat: Pleasures and Principles of Good Food and How to Be a Domestic Goddess: Baking and the Art of Comfort Cooking? NIGELLA LAWSON

6 Which country is divided into fourteen parishes including Clarendon, Hanover, Manchester and Saint Andrew? JAMAICA

7 Which King of England died at the Convent of St Gervais near Rouen in France from abdominal injuries received from his saddle pommel when he fell off his horse at the Siege of Mantes? WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR

8 Which famously reclusive American novelist has made two appearances on The Simpsons, the first of which saw him wearing a paper bag with a question mark on it? THOMAS PYNCHON

9 Which Englishwoman was appointed chief designer at Paris fashion house Chloe in 1997? STELLA MCCARTNEY

10 Who was recently revealed to have had a two-year affair with Tracey Temple? JOHN PRESCOTT

Sport

1 Len Martin, until he died 1995, and Tim Gudgin are the only two men to have performed what role on TV? READ OUT CLASSIFIED FOOTBALL RESULTS

2 In which small town is the Royal Liverpool Golf Club, the place that will host this year's British Open golf championship? HOYLAKE

3 Which Australian batsman has just become the fastest player to reach 1000 Test runs, doing so in 166 days and beating Andrew Strauss's old record by 62 days? MICHAEL HUSSEY

4 Which rugby union team, who play their home matches at Kingsholm, won the first John Player Special Cup, now known as the Powergen Cup, in 1972? GLOUCESTER

5 Who finished second in the Vendee Globe round-the-world yacht race in 2000, who in the process became the youngest ever competitor to finish the race? ELLEN MACARTHUR

6 Leighton Rees was the first man to win the first darts world championship in 1978. Which country did he represent? WALES

7 In exact metres and centimetres how high is a netball ring and net suspended above the ground on a post? 3m and 5 cm (or 10ft)

8 For one point each, in horse racing what name is given to the father and mother of a foal? SIRE and DAM

9 Gary Lineker finished his international football career on how many goals? 48

10 In what events did Kelly Holmes win her two gold medals at the 2004 Olympic games? 800M and 1500M 

And finally, the tie-breaker that was never asked
According to iTunes, how long in minutes and seconds does Isaac Hayes's version of Walk On By last? 12 minutes and 3 seconds