World Cup Widdling
One day later and the take-up for The Monster is 77 people. Which is quite good. I think I've done all the promotion I can do for the moment and will wait for further requests to trickle in.
That thing on the telly
I'm very, very disappointed in Simon Hattenstone. He thinks watching literally days of football has turned him into a moron, or some such. As for me, I can't get enough. Hattenstone is a wuss. Bring it all on. I want more World Cup football now. Talking of which here are the first eleven things that spring to mind about this summer's global sawker jamboree.
1. Carlos Tevez's teeth. They're big. Some are jagged. They are bared often thanks to his caveman smile. He must be a big beef eater back in Argentina (and Brazil, obviously). Stick a unibrow and a straggly mullet on him and he is Cro-Magnon Man.
2. Didier Drogba's "brilliant thug" facial expression. The kind that says: "I'm gonna punch you silly."
3. The Ghana goalkeeper Kinson flapping at crosses like a retarded butterfly during all of the Italian game. Made me laugh with his inept perseverance.
4. Di Rossi's elbow smash KAPOW! to Brian McBride's robo-face (hey, isn't McBride one of the stars of Nip/Tuck?). That's what I call an Ong-Bak special.
5. Robbie Van Persie's gesticulating with joy. Scary. He's probably a bit too enthusiastic sometimes, which might explain some of the inconsistency.
6. Frank Lampard being absolutely bloody useless and rubbish. Shooting like a toddler in a back garden. Shooting repeatedly: hitting and hoping. But they do not go in like magic at the World Cup. Must be something to do with the magnetic fields in operation in the Premiership.
7. I HATE JOHN CHAMPION'S COMMENTARY. You see I'm shouting now. He's like, ach, so urgh, straight and geography teacher-ish and sounds as if he is reading off a script of pre-prepared bon mots that he has spent the last four years perfecting. But it still comes out like pretentious dross. You suck, Champion.
8. Mateja Kezman deciding he can't be arsed with this World Cup thing and trying to cut the legs off an Argentinian player with a two-footed scyther. Chelsea really destroyed him, poor lad. Though my sympathy is distinctly lacking when I realise he still has that mossy underbeard creeping up his chin.
9. William Gallas's furious meltdown punt after South Korea equalised in the 86th minute. He was angry with good cause. There's nothing more disheartening for a defender to see a ball glide and loop over his head, while wondering if it will land on the right side of the line. Oops, it's a goal. And against South Korea! I bet he misses John Terry (and vice versa).
10. Riquelme's perfect pass to Saviola for the second goal against the Ivory Coast. Vision, he has it. I despair when I think that not a single England player could muster such a slice of genius. Nope, they would just welly it up field, shouting "Have it!" as it goes. Hey, maybe this will hit Crouch on the top of his Empire Building bonce, I mean, we've tried it 37 times already. The 38th is sure to work.
11. Aaargh. I hate Kasabian. I hate rubbish covers of Heroes (First exhibit: Oasis's attempt). Combine the two and play snatches of its supreme cackiness every adbreak time, and it's time to wish that ITV never covered the World Cup at all and that Kasabian would spontaneously combust on stage in a torrid inferno that would take out at least 1000 of their swaggering, blowhard fans, screaming as they met their beautiful (to me) fate. Suffice to say, ITV coverage blows. All those adverts. Then there's Steve Rider: "And Ruud, Holland need to be HEROES in this half". He said that. He said that. After he mentioned Kasabian did the Heroes cover.
Steve Rider is blancmange. Milk-flavoured blancmange. He belongs on the fairways and links courses. He's Steve Golfman Ryder Cup Dude. But, of course, ITV have no idea that golf exists: they took him because they give a home to all those who feel the BBC has rejected them. But they have shunned them for good reason. They just are not compelling enough. Because Rider isn't even rubbish good. He's bland rubbish, which irks me most of all. I am well irked. Irked to the max. Could you be mates with him, the way you envision mate-hood with Lynam and Lineker. No way. He's the slightly hoity-toity estate agent who tries to butter you up with words, but ends up really really annoying you with his total lack of character and cliche-ridden schtick.
Now, I will calm down and do some work. I mean, my work here is done. Good night and sweet nightmares.
Remember
You can tackle The Monster too. Email: themonsterquiz@gmail.com (and see below for details if you have been living in a cave ... actually that was a bit rude ... forget I just said that ... how about: it's mega-fun!!! Embrace it like something you love ... was that better?)
That thing on the telly
I'm very, very disappointed in Simon Hattenstone. He thinks watching literally days of football has turned him into a moron, or some such. As for me, I can't get enough. Hattenstone is a wuss. Bring it all on. I want more World Cup football now. Talking of which here are the first eleven things that spring to mind about this summer's global sawker jamboree.
1. Carlos Tevez's teeth. They're big. Some are jagged. They are bared often thanks to his caveman smile. He must be a big beef eater back in Argentina (and Brazil, obviously). Stick a unibrow and a straggly mullet on him and he is Cro-Magnon Man.
2. Didier Drogba's "brilliant thug" facial expression. The kind that says: "I'm gonna punch you silly."
3. The Ghana goalkeeper Kinson flapping at crosses like a retarded butterfly during all of the Italian game. Made me laugh with his inept perseverance.
4. Di Rossi's elbow smash KAPOW! to Brian McBride's robo-face (hey, isn't McBride one of the stars of Nip/Tuck?). That's what I call an Ong-Bak special.
5. Robbie Van Persie's gesticulating with joy. Scary. He's probably a bit too enthusiastic sometimes, which might explain some of the inconsistency.
6. Frank Lampard being absolutely bloody useless and rubbish. Shooting like a toddler in a back garden. Shooting repeatedly: hitting and hoping. But they do not go in like magic at the World Cup. Must be something to do with the magnetic fields in operation in the Premiership.
7. I HATE JOHN CHAMPION'S COMMENTARY. You see I'm shouting now. He's like, ach, so urgh, straight and geography teacher-ish and sounds as if he is reading off a script of pre-prepared bon mots that he has spent the last four years perfecting. But it still comes out like pretentious dross. You suck, Champion.
8. Mateja Kezman deciding he can't be arsed with this World Cup thing and trying to cut the legs off an Argentinian player with a two-footed scyther. Chelsea really destroyed him, poor lad. Though my sympathy is distinctly lacking when I realise he still has that mossy underbeard creeping up his chin.
9. William Gallas's furious meltdown punt after South Korea equalised in the 86th minute. He was angry with good cause. There's nothing more disheartening for a defender to see a ball glide and loop over his head, while wondering if it will land on the right side of the line. Oops, it's a goal. And against South Korea! I bet he misses John Terry (and vice versa).
10. Riquelme's perfect pass to Saviola for the second goal against the Ivory Coast. Vision, he has it. I despair when I think that not a single England player could muster such a slice of genius. Nope, they would just welly it up field, shouting "Have it!" as it goes. Hey, maybe this will hit Crouch on the top of his Empire Building bonce, I mean, we've tried it 37 times already. The 38th is sure to work.
11. Aaargh. I hate Kasabian. I hate rubbish covers of Heroes (First exhibit: Oasis's attempt). Combine the two and play snatches of its supreme cackiness every adbreak time, and it's time to wish that ITV never covered the World Cup at all and that Kasabian would spontaneously combust on stage in a torrid inferno that would take out at least 1000 of their swaggering, blowhard fans, screaming as they met their beautiful (to me) fate. Suffice to say, ITV coverage blows. All those adverts. Then there's Steve Rider: "And Ruud, Holland need to be HEROES in this half". He said that. He said that. After he mentioned Kasabian did the Heroes cover.
Steve Rider is blancmange. Milk-flavoured blancmange. He belongs on the fairways and links courses. He's Steve Golfman Ryder Cup Dude. But, of course, ITV have no idea that golf exists: they took him because they give a home to all those who feel the BBC has rejected them. But they have shunned them for good reason. They just are not compelling enough. Because Rider isn't even rubbish good. He's bland rubbish, which irks me most of all. I am well irked. Irked to the max. Could you be mates with him, the way you envision mate-hood with Lynam and Lineker. No way. He's the slightly hoity-toity estate agent who tries to butter you up with words, but ends up really really annoying you with his total lack of character and cliche-ridden schtick.
Now, I will calm down and do some work. I mean, my work here is done. Good night and sweet nightmares.
Remember
You can tackle The Monster too. Email: themonsterquiz@gmail.com (and see below for details if you have been living in a cave ... actually that was a bit rude ... forget I just said that ... how about: it's mega-fun!!! Embrace it like something you love ... was that better?)
posted by That Quiz Guy at 3:25 PM
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