It's so true...

Although in the original 2001 series of The Armando Iannucci Shows, it was actually CDs. But that would have ruined the blurb, I suppose.

What I Did Last Night

I went to a Richard Herring gig last night. I shouted something out.

This is how it panned out according to his own Warming Up online diary thing...

"I had a couple of nice heckles today, the first asking my why I did not simply tattoo my "gullible" letter on to my chest to save the inconvenience of having to carry it in my pocket. It was an inventive and intelligent interjection, but evenso I laid into the young man, telling him that that would be painful and inconvenient and that there would be times when someone hadn't just done the gullible trick on you and you had your top off and people would think you were a fool. Plus tattoos are expensive. And if you've seen the routine you'll know that you'd need a lot of tattoos. But it was nice to have something to work with, even if I made out on stage that the bloke was an idiot."

Actually, he called me a "TWAT!". But then again, maybe I deserved it. After all audience members are nothing more than scum who deserve vitriol whenever they have the temerity to speak up.

Discretion

I'm saying nothing about Tuesday. Except that the funniest moment of the day was when a monumentally grumpy Jon Culshaw told Mark Kerr to get out of the lift because he was far too heavy.

Pathetic Excuses

Yeah, I've been swotting and therefore shying away from consolidating my position in the blogosphere. Did a pilot in Cardiff. Finished off the President's Cup season in fantastically rubbish style.

And that's yer lot for today. Must get back to THE QUESTIONS.

My brain is dripping out me earholes at this very minute. It gave up and decided to escape my cranium. Good luck to it!

Saturday Morning and Saturday Night: Silliness in Two Parts

A NIGHT TIME JOURNAL, NO WAIT IT IS MORNING

It's quite late. About 4am. I have the urge to type so let's see where this takes us ... I only wrote the six rounds for the last President's Cup match six days ago - time constraints of a silly Sunday rush - so I read out two rounds from the set I am submitting to MQL. Oh yes. I will have my revenge. It's in the post. I said I would. Hee hee. Ho ho. Let me giggle one off maniacally for a few seconds. ... Okay. Deep breath. Retain poise. Forget about the pleasing buzz of inflicting mild mental anguish on people far away (you live outside London? Then you live far far far away). In the end I was trying to be fair and have returned aircraft, beer and birds questions in kind. I could have been a lot more obtuse, obscure and difficult, but something - some semblance of a conscience??? Empathy for other people!?? - held me back from submitting a pile of youth-riddled incomprehensibility and silliness designed to rile people up. Then I thought of the blank looks and the "Huhs?" of frustration that turn into a simmering resentment when you get quizzes set by alien civilisations. We've all been there. I mean, there are one or two setters who, once I know that I am going to get their difficult gnarly questions both barrels IN MY FACE, I practically give up there and then and hope that it will be over swift like. A good, clean, quick death - because once you get a setter whose interests seem to be the exact opposite of yours (you're digital and they're sticking to analogue) you know you will be in a hellish place of desolation and chilly silence for at least 20 minutes. Come Chris and Snoop. Do your thing. Sorry, I seem to be calling up fictional nailgun-wielding drug enforcers ... from ... you guessed it ... THE FREAKING WIRE. Obsessed I am. But still. I have to redress some of the quiz-setting balance. Even if I went back and dumped a whole load of clues and softeners in there to assuage the coming guilt at knowing I would spread rank puzzlement across the land of my northern brethren. I even decided against inserting my highly taxing pair on lesbian graphic novelists. Balance of the force and all that. Sith lords. Order 66. Man. I have been up for far too long. Peace out. Word ten. Sleepybyes....

Hold up.

We actually won the match against Cambridge - 39-33. Kudos to my fellow team-mates, even if Nic has decided to celebrate his mum instead of doing a quiz in a pub tomorrow (I can live with it), and many apologies to our opponents who were forced to play through the mewling falsetto of Prince or some such fashionable singing weirdo. I always forget the match and game important bits. Like, I'm so self-indulgent. Me me me. Zee zzzzzzz.

SOME TIME LATER...
-------------------------------------
(Just doing one of those time lapse, jump cut Nouvelle Vague things. But in a textual fashion.)

Woah. I can't let Sal Paradise get hold of my writing mien. You know what happened last time (curse you Big Sur for leading me astray). Everyone needs sentence structure and cogent streams of sturdy thought that actually mean and explain something clearly and concisely about this dirty lovely world. Without discipline, freedom means diddly squat. Reading back the above "Journal" 14 hours later suggests that it is none too wise to write in the twilight hours after you have filtered thousands and thousands of questions so you can end up with 5500 refined Q's that you believe might be vaguely useful, but probably won't be. Because things never work out like that.

Instead you notice, as I have this very instant, that your left index finger has swelled in red anger and hums with pain and squeezing it repeatedly is a really bad idea but you can't help yourself so you keep on doing it, and then your attention is drawn to the equivalent digit on the right hand because it no longer has skin attached to its tip. Yowch. I have typed too much. Ooo. It hurt typing that. Must touch type, not type belligerently and thumpingly, as if I was doing that five-point palm death thing from Kill Bill: Volume 2.

Truth be told (I love that phrase ... I will surely overuse it), the thought of the glittering prize excites a kind of riotous Protestant work ethic in me. Actually, excite isn't quite the right word. Incite is much better. Because when I work hard I REALLY DO WORK HARD. Work Harder with a Vengeance 4.0.

Thus and therefore, I popped back to the southcoast for a hardcore two-day chain-smoke and swot session on Thursday (I know I am spilling my secrets to spying rivals from the show, but this is all part of my masterplan ... psycho-warfare you see ... must bruise and eviscerate other people's confidence before the fateful recordings). Isolation in my big bedroom with its lovely double bed on which I spread like a liberated butterfly and the total lack of London austerity, with only the occasional sound of my 14-year-old badsister and her degenerate underage drinky mates stamping up and down the stairs to spray the toilet with their viscid-vodka-vom (how can they miss the bog? At that range!). But, I must admit, I cannot disapprove. Me, my bro and K did it too. Tearaways all of us, treating our stomach lining as if it had Wolverine-speed healing properties. I can only smile at the impetuousness of youth blooming (or vooming) into adulthood. It's a beautiful thing.

So once I had shouted at me sis "Shut the hell up or I will get some pliers and a blowtorch and do you like Scorpio! On a football field! Yeah!" and stamped on a few floorboards and banged a few doors in a totally pointless huff-a-puff way, I patted myself down and sat in my chair and got stuck in. In and out the old files (the old Southport & Formby stocks are a gift that keeps on giving ... little did I know that when I was copying and pasting hundreds of pages of them into Word files five whole years ago whilst ensconced in ... now I remember ... doing work experience in the newsroom of The Independent, but actually waiting for the day to hurry past the 6pm mark into freedom ... that I would look at those questions all those years later with older yet fresher eyes and think "Oh goddamnit! That frickin' wine grape question came up in the last London game ... if only!" *gnash* *headbutt* ... but soon it will be time to harvest the annual crop; I'm looking forward to it. Yes, I am a sad bastardo), carrying out the tiresome filtration, portioning out magic sets of five and calculating word tallies, setting a friendly for the last President's Cup match tomorrow, going through the Lulu book question file (I have written 1750 originals and have now begun sorting the "Music" quiz pages. If you have heard of any of the musicians in these questions then I will surely have failed in my quest). And writing a couple mo' rounds for down yonder and below.

I have also started on a new e-mail-out quiz. For, admittedly, whorish reasons; I need the pocket change. It's tentatively titled The 505 - probably because I like the lame radio DJ ring it has - however it will no doubt end up with some kind of evocative, brash, hyperbolic name like The Skullcrusher or The Hurricane of Trivia Pain. Yes, I'm sure it will. It would be far less fun without it and it also helps everyone remember. But then I always toyed with the idea of giving any future male offspring such awesome names as Goliath and Satan.

It would be a real head start in life ("There's a new kid in class. They call him Faceripper."). They instill ... presence.

Pulling myself back from that paternal-tinged tangent, there will be 505 questions (so you'll be shelling out for those extra four "even more special than Leo in What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" questions ... but which four? Who knows? It's all part of the magic). On the other hand you may treat such entreaties as Bill Shankly would have the Everton football team if the latter were having a kickabout in his back garden. It is free country after all (vendetta! vendetta!).

I have written 45 so far. I might get it done before the month is out.

That's a whole load of quizzy stuff then. As a result. Right now. I feel both electrified and shattered. Like exploding light fittings in pieces everywhere, but still spitting out nasty electric currents and snapping light streams. I am dead in certain places on my body. Numb forever. I need to rest up, but then again I also want to get up.

There's something about the momentum of work. Momentum is the addictive bit. After a while you realise that you don't mind it and you do some more and you feel this smooth, steady feeling of satisfaction with your progress that you want to maintain. And so it goes. Having spent literally dozens of hours on this trivia-inspired toil I want to march on further into the hinterland. Inactivity seems insane. You fear that the world will leave you behind.

Or I might meet Jamie and throw his Sonic Youth ticket at him. For a laugh. Whilst conjuring up fraternal amicability disguised as rat-at-at insults so scatalogical and unbelievable they actually seem florid and life-affirming in the hearing and absorption. Or I might sit here on my bed and watch more clips of The Wire on youtube. The same ones again and again. Yo. It sho is all in da game. Word ten. Again.

(But if the Baltimore drug wars are not yo thang, try this something like this from The Paper. If you don't think it's going anywhere wait until 1.49 ... Michael Keaton goes ballistic. In high-larious fashion. He almost makes me wanna be a journalist so I can swear down phones at people with impunity. Almost. You jive talking sucka ... Okay I'll stop now ... I was born in Eastbourne and not the ghetto ... I may also ration the ... ellipses ... maybe ...)

President's Cup Six Round Friendly from 11/3 and Two rounds of whatever I fancy

Round 1
1a Which Englishman is second in the all-time top scorers in the Premier League after Alan Shearer with 188 goals?
ANDY COLE
1b The rich retired businessman and Civil War veteran Christopher Newman is the title character of which Henry James novel?*
THE AMERICAN
2a Which English duo of the early 1980s had Marc Almond on vocals and David Ball on synthesizers?
SOFT CELL
2b Which large fish is known by the scientific name Carcharodon carcharias?
GREAT WHITE SHARK
3a Which large shark has the scientific name Galeocerdo cuvier?*
TIGER SHARK
3b Who is the second foreigner or non-Briton to appear in the all-time top scorers in the Premier League after Thierry Henry with 127 goals?
JIMMY FLOYD HASSELBAINK
4a Which Henry James novel follows the trip of protagonist Lewis Lambert Strether to Europe in pursuit of his widowed fiancee's supposedly wayward son?
THE AMBASSADORS
4b Which English pop duo of the early 1980s had Alison Moyet on vocals and Vince Clarke on synthesizers?
YAZOO

Round 2
1a Which member of The Mighty Handful composed the children's opera Puss in Boots, the one-act comic opera The Mandarin's Son and the three-act Prisoner of the Caucasus?*
CESAR CUI
1b Which member of The Mighty Handful composed the piano piece Islamey: an Oriental Fantasy, and the symphonic poems Russia and Tamara?
MILY BALAKIREV
2a In which US state did the First Battle of Bull Run or the First Battle of Manassas take place on July 21, 1861?*
VIRGINIA
2b Nikola Tesla Airport serves which European capital city?*
BELGRADE
3a How many players are there each on a volleyball team?
SIX
3b In which US state did the Battle of Antietam take place on September 17, 1862?*
MARYLAND
4a Henri Coanda International Airport serves which European capital city?*
BUCHAREST
4b How many players are there on a water polo team?
SEVEN

Round 3
1a By what title was the two-time British Prime Minister Thomas Pelham-Holles better known?
1st DUKE OF NEWCASTLE-upon-Tyne
1b Regulus is the brightest star of which constellation?
LEO
2a Which member of the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood painted The Blind Girl in 1856?
JOHN EVERETT MILLAIS
2b Which member of the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood painted Ecce Ancilla Domini in 1850?
DANTE GABRIEL ROSSETTI
3a Which internet services company was founded by Jerry Yang and David Filo in January 1994?
YAHOO
3b By what title was the two-time British Prime Minister William Henry Cavendish Cavendish-Bentinck better known?
3rd DUKE OF PORTLAND
4a Spica is the brightest star in which constellation?
VIRGO
4b Which internet company was founded by computer programmer Pierre Omidyar in September 1995?*
EBAY

Round 4
1a What was the subject of the Fifth Amendment to the US Constitution in 1791?*
SELF INCRIMINATION
1b Sir Reg Empey is the leader of which political party?
ULSTER UNIONISTS
2a Which 1970s British sitcom centred around the Abbott family and their life in Birch Avenue, Putney?
BLESS THIS HOUSE
2b Given a name meaning "inactive", what inert gas was discovered by Lord Rayleigh and William Ramsay in 1894?
ARGON
3a Which noble gas was discovered by William Ramsay and Morris Travers on July 12, 1898, shortly after their discovery of krypton and neon?
XENON
3b What was the subject of the 13th Amendment to the US Constitution in 1865?
SLAVERY
4a Mark Durkan is the leader of which political party?*
SOCIAL DEMOCRATIC AND LABOUR PARTY or SDLP
4b Which 1970s sitcom centred around a couple who moved to 46 Peacock Crescent in Hampton Wick after receiving a compulsory purchase order from the Council?
GEORGE AND MILDRED

Round 5
1a In 96AD, which elderly and childless Roman emperor chose to adopt Trajan as his heir from outside his own family due to his lack of issue?*
NERVA
1b Which Frenchman is coach of the Italian rugby union national side?
PIERRE BERBIZIER
2a What is the currency of Azerbaijan and Turkmenistan?*
MANAT
2b Which Roman emperor and son of Vespasian was assassinated in a plot organised by his enemies in the Senate, his wife and members of the Praetorian Guard in 96AD?
DOMITIAN
3a Which book of the Old Testament is called bamidbar in Hebrew, meaning "in the desert"?*
NUMBERS
3b What is the currency of Romania and Moldova?
LEU
4a Italy's recently won back-to-back matches in the Six Nations for the first time. Which two teams did they beat?
SCOTLAND, WALES
4b Which book of the Old Testament is sometimes called by its title in the Vulgate, Canticum Canticorum or Canticle of Canticles?
SONG OF SOLOMON or SONG OF SONGS

Round 6
1a Which British film director's works include Life is Sweet, High Hopes and Naked?
MIKE LEIGH
1b Which supermarket chain was founded in 1899 initially as an egg and butter merchant in Rawson Market, Bradford?*
MORRISONS
2a Christopher Jones, who died in 1622, captained which ship?
MAYFLOWER
2b Which British film director's works include Carla's Song, My Name is Joe and Land and Freedom?
KEN LOACH
3a Which company makes the Wii video games console?
NINTENDO
3b Benjamin Briggs, who is assumed to have died in 1872, captained which ship?
MARY CELESTE
4a Which supermarket chain was founded by Laura Beth Murray in 1949?*
ASDA
4b Which company makes the Xbox?
MICROSOFT

R E A L M A T C H E N D E D H E R E

Round 7 of no pairing just me filling the space with whatever questions I have foraged for
1a Which Russian composer's works include the ballets The Bolt and Bright Stream?
DMITRI SHOSTAKOVICH
1b Which species of falcon reaches a speed of 298 km/h when diving for its prey and could therefore be described as the fastest creature on Earth?
PEREGRINE
2a Which English actor has played such historical, literary and mythical figures as J Edgar Hoover, Nikita Khruschev, Pope John XXIII Odin, Sancho Panza, Mr Micawber and Geri Halliwell's disguise?
BOB HOSKINS
2b Taking place near Berlin, what plan was formulated at the Wannsee Conference in early 1942?
THE FINAL SOLUTION
3a Rising in the highlands bordering Sierra Leone and Guinea, what is the third longest river in Africa at 2,600 miles?
NIGER
3b Founded in 1800, which American library has 29 million books making it the largest in the world?
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS
4a The wife and children of which playwright and novelist adopted the surname Holland after his disgrace?
OSCAR WILDE
4b Soon to be made a film starring Natalie Portman as Anne and Scarlet Johansson as her sister Mary, the novel The Other Boleyn Girl was written by whom?
PHILIPPA GREGORY

Just like that there Round 7 though this be 8
1a The American Eddie Eagan is the only person to have won gold medals in the Winter and Summer Olympics. In which events did he do so?
LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT BOXING (1920) and FOUR-MAN BOBSLEIGH (1932)
1b Largely open to a limited number of accredited investors only, which private investment funds charge a performance fee and have a name which dates back to a fund founded by Alfred Winslow Jones in 1949?
HEDGE FUND
2a What title is shared by Marlon Brando's 1995 autobiography (written with Robert Lindsey), a song by Antonin Dvorak which forms part of his 1880 Gypsy Songs cycle, an 1895 song that the composer Charles Ives set to a poem by Adolf Heyduk and the title of a 2001 recital album by Joan Sutherland that was released in the year of "La Stupenda's" 75th birthday?
SONGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME
2b At the initiative of Mexican coffee farmers, the Stichting Max Havelaar was the first kind of what labelling initiative and was launced on November 15, 1988 by Nico Roozen, Frans van der Hoff and Dutch ecumenical development agency Solidaridad?
FAIRTRADE
3a Which singer-songwriter, model and actress was born Christa Paffgen in Cologne on October 16, 1938?
NICO
3b Which conqueror's tomb is housed in the Gur-e Amir mausoleum in Samarkand, the name being Persian for "Tomb of the King"?
TAMERLANE
4a Which foreign leader published In The Line of Fire: A Memoir in 2006?
PERVEZ MUSHARRAF
4b Launched on March 17 in 1958, what was the first solar-powered satellite and is the oldest human-launched object still in Earth orbit today?
VANGUARD 1


Spares
1 Covered by Bananarama, Venus was originally recorded by which band in 1969?
SHOCKING BLUE
2 Rajiv Gandhi Airport is due to replace Begumpet Airport in serving which Indian city?
HYDERABAD

PC failure

Yo dog, how many of those jumbo sixes you got? Sorry, having a Wire moment or hunnert. I'm still here, though I did feel like I was down in the hole for two weeks: coughing my guts up and having the strange sensation of my brain being minced from the inside. Nice image that, I'm sure you'll agree. I haven't been raging about premium phone quizzes. If you is foolish enough to call up such programmes and competitions, then you will surely reap the phone bill. And so on and so forth. Anything that plays on the hope of the poor and needy and those in want of thousands of pounds by deliberately leaving out the information concerning thousands of other people getting the same idea that they might too win is genius. In a way.

Anyhoooo, we lost to Oxford (29-31). I scored 27. I worked out that if I played on my own "we" would have won. But it is a team game, and it is no fun having a friendly with nobody on the home team except for my reader. Therefore let's put the umpteenth disappointment behind us.

Coincidentally, this is the friendly. I will now get the train. Ta ta.

President's Cup 4/3/2007

Round 1
1a Which British comedy show featured the characters Papa Lazarou, Edward and Tubbs Tattsyrup and Hilary Briss?
THE LEAGUE OF GENTLEMEN
1b Known as Phagwah in the language Bhojpuri and Dolyatra in West Bengal, which annual Hindu spring festival takes place over two days in the later part of February or early March?*
HOLI
2a In which month do Andorra, Armenia, Chile, North Korea and Vietnam all have their national days?*
SEPTEMBER (8th, 21st, 18th, 8th, 2nd)
2b In which month do Zimbabwe, Netherlands, Sierra Leone, Chad and Senegal all have their national days?*
APRIL (18th, 30th, 27th, 13th, 4th)
3a How many times did Michael Schumacher win the Formula One world championship? SEVEN (or "too many times")
3b Which British comedy sketch show featured the characters Bob Fleming, Chris the Crafty Cockney and Rowley Birkin QC?
THE FAST SHOW
4a Occurring on March 4 in this year's Gregorian calendar or the 14th of the Hebrew month of Adar, which Jewish festival commemorates the deliverance from Haman's plot to annihilate all Jews of the Persian Empire?*
PURIM
4b How many times did Steffi Graf win the Wimbledon Ladies' Singles title?*
SEVEN

Round 2
1a Which cartoon superhero's catchphrase was "Here I come to save the day!"?
MIGHTY MOUSE
1b What number is the word lakh taken to signify?
100,000
2a What number is a chiliad?
1,000
2b Which American basketball team play at the TD Banknorth Garden?
BOSTON CELTICS
3a Which Lancastrian king was deposed by his Yorkist cousin, the future Edward IV, in March 1461?
HENRY VI
3b Which cartoon hero was the "number one super guy" and "quicker than the human eye!"?
HONG KONG PHOOEY
4a Which NBA team play at the Staples Center?
LOS ANGELES LAKERS
4b The future Henry IV deposed which king in September 1399?
RICHARD II

Round 3
1a Sharing its name with a variety of coffee, which object-oriented programming language was developed by James Gosling at Sun Microsystems in 1995?
JAVA
1b Which county cricket team won the first Gillette Cup in 1963?
SUSSEX
2a To which plant family do hyacinths, chives, tulips and shallots belong?
LILY
2b Sharing its name with a character from The Tempest, which non-strict purely functional programming language was developed by Professor David Turner at the University of Kent in 1985?*
MIRANDA
3a Which county cricket team won the first Sunday League, then called the John Player's County League, in 1969?*
LANCASHIRE
3b Which Labour politician is MP for Hull West and Hessle?*
ALAN JOHNSON
4a Which Labour politician is MP for Barrow and Furness?*
JOHN HUTTON
4b To which plant family do breadfruit, marijuana, hops and figs belong?
MULBERRY

Round 4
1a In which 1979 film does Woody Allen play the comedy writer Isaac Davis?
MANHATTAN
1b In which 1969 film does Woody Allen play the useless petty thief Virgil Starkwell?*
TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN
2a Armin Hary became the first person to achieve what feat in athletics in 1960?
FIRST UNDER 10 SECONDS IN 100M
2b Who was the tenth President of the USA, being in office from 1841 to 1845?
JOHN TYLER
3a Which British group's recent comeback hits include Patience and Shine?
TAKE THAT
3b Which Take That member's top five hits include Child, Clementine and Four Minute Warning?
MARK OWEN
4a In office from 1817 to 1825, who was the fifth US President?
JAMES MONROE
4b Debbie Brill became the first woman to achieve what feat in athletics in 1970?*
FIRST TO 6 FT IN HIGH JUMP

Round 5
1a In Eastenders, the Queen Vic is at the corner of Albert Square and which street?*
BRIDGE STREET
1b Which car company used the slogan "Loudest noise comes from the electric clock"?
ROLLS ROYCE
2a What is the medical or Latin name for measles?
RUBEOLA
2b As in the ITV soap, the Rovers Return occupies the corner of Coronation Street and which other street?*
ROSAMUND STREET
3a Which English writer's novels include House of Meetings, Night Train and Yellow Dog?
MARTIN AMIS
3b What is the medical name for smallpox?
VARIOLA or VARIOLA VERA
4a Which car company used the slogan "Made by robots, driven by humans"?*
NISSAN
4b Which English writer's novels include The Comfort of Strangers, The Innocent and Saturday?
IAN MCEWAN

Round 6
1a What is the second largest country in Europe after Russia?
UKRAINE
1b What is the smallest of the former Soviet Republics?
ARMENIA
2a Which artist wrote the 2005 autobiographical novel Strangeland?
TRACEY EMIN
2b As in the former US Vice President, what is Dan short for in Dan Quayle?
DANFORTH
3a If you sailed due west from Ireland, which country would you reach first?
CANADA
3b Which artist published the book I Want to Spend the Rest of My Life Everywhere, with Everyone, One to One, Always, Forever, Now in 2006?
DAMIEN HIRST
4a What is the full form of comedian Lenny Henry's first name?
LENWORTH
4b If you sailed due south from Land's End, which country would you reach?
SPAIN

Round 7
1a Mother Shipton, Garden Tiger and Sallow Kitten are all types of which insect?
MOTH
1b In the nursery rhyme Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat, who had the cat been to see?
THE QUEEN
2a Having a name that means "victory", which Movement for the National Liberation of Palestine is the mainstream component of the PLO?
AL-FATAH
2b Founded by Sheikh Ahmed Ismail Yassin in 1988, what is the commonly known acronym for the Islamic Resistance Movement?
HAMAS
3a Which Beatles song mentions the couple Desmond and Molly Jones?
OB-LA-DI, OB-LA-DA
3b Keeled Skimmer, Banded Pennant and Azure Hawker are all types of which insect?
DRAGONFLY
4a In the nursery rhyme Ride a Cock Horse, where is the cock-horse ridden to?
BANBURY CROSS
4b Which Beatles song mentions grandkids called Vera, Chuck and Dave?
WHEN I'M 64

Round 8
1a Having a name which literally means "singing", who was the Muse of tragedy?*
MELPOMENE
1b As in the bread, ciabatta is an Italian dialect word for what type of footwear?
SLIPPER
2a Which composer was made a subject of the British crown on January 22nd, 1727?
GEORGE FRIDERIC HANDEL
2b Having a name which means "joy", who was the Muse of lyric poetry?*
EUTERPE
3a Which theatre in The Strand was opened by John Scott in 1806 and was originally called the Sans Pareil?
ADELPHI
3b Who is alleged to have conducted what would become an eponymous symphony at a ceremony in 1791 in which he was awarded an honorary doctorate by Oxford University?
JOSEPH HAYDN
4a As in the pizza-style dish, calzone is Italian for what specific clothing-related term?*
TROUSER LEG
4b Which theatre in Shaftesbury Avenue was designed in 1906 by WGR Sprague and was originally called the Hick's Theatre?
GIELGUD (accept the GLOBE)

Spare
Italy shares its longest border with which country?
SWITZERLAND

Ill

Feelin far from groovy

I thought I had escaped its clutches, but oh no, the winter cold caught me by my head and proceeded to fry and steam my body with uncommon wretchedness. It has been like this since Wednesday afternoon. I still have no sense of taste, sleep is a hellish ordeal, my chest now sounds like a smashed accordion and there are the on-off two-hour nosebleeds whenever my nostrils aren't doing impressions of slightly runny lahars. I hate those. Actually, I hate all those symptoms. They have even made me switch to Marlboro Menthols. I didn't even smoke a ciggy yesterday. Just imagine. A day without a cigarette. Me.

Therefore, there has been little time to celebrate our championship win in the Quiz League of London. It almost seems a lifetime ago. But the sickness has got me good and proper and messed with my perception of the relative dimensions of time. Darn TB. Wish I had that BCG now.

So you can sing: "We are the champions, my friend. Sing it from the chimney stacks and rooftops. But remember, to me victory is blessed relief, while defeat has the stronger, lasting taste of bitterness and agony. You always feel the latter more. That is all I have to say for the moment.

Now let me lie on my sick bed and watch even more episodes of The Wire. It's so good that I can feel the frigid breath of future cold turkey on my neck as I contemplate a time when I am unable to watch six episodes in a row. It is the glory of instant self-gratification that makes the internet so great. It is the avenue that reaches into every home, the always available supplier, the cat that has got out of the bag, the horse that has long since bolted. You can't put the genie back in its bottle, or lamp, or whatever. And it sure helps me in my state of permanent boredom. The boredom I blame on the mind saturation of media and popular culture. All thanks to the world wide web. It comes back in on itself. Has no beginning or end. And, man, this over the counter Benylin sure makes me dopey (5 per cent ethanol? Blimey). All I want to do is lie back and drift into a Keats state of mind. Nope. Must dash out more words before I capitulate to craven laziness again: "Oh what can ail me... my chest aches and a drowsy cough syrup assisted numbness doesn't really pain me that much". Too late.